Always A Mother

A few years ago I had empty nest syndrome. My teenager had deemed me and idiot and moved in with her father. My two oldest were in California going to college. It was just me, Mark and the dogs. Sounds like heaven doesn't it. You would think so. But I mourned the loss of someone to take care of. I missed holding those little hands. Toy departments and back to school sales were enough to send me into a torrent of tears. Then suddenly I began to focus on myself. To buy things, for myself. To take classes, to travel. I moved on. At last I was done.
Then one day, the teen queen decided I wasn't such a moron. Suddenly she needed a mother again to lean on emotionally and physically. The older kids moved back from CA in unison. All of a sudden my quiet house was filled once again with the voices and bodies of children. I began to worry more about what they were doing. I spent more time with their activities and problems. My work studio began to pile up with kids laundry rather than projects.
I realized at that point, you never stop being a mother. It seems funny but my own mother recently told me that she worries about me. I was actually surprised. Really?
Why? I'm an adult. But for some reason until that moment I didn't seem to realize that I was always going to be her child, small and vulnerable, no matter how old I got. The same with my children.
My husband points out that sometimes I need to step back and let them figure out their own lives. The youngest is now 18. She is so emotional about everything that it's hard to not get swept up in it. My other daughter is dating a man who is so inappropriate that I can hardly stand it. But I need to stand back. I gave my opinion here and there. But it's up to her to ultimately see what others see (and she is). My son is needing to launch his own life. He has a little more trouble because he has Aspergers. He's working on it as we speak. He has appointments and interviews. I'm not hovering over his every more. I let him do this himself.
But worry I do. It will never end. Just like my mom I will always feel a tiny fear in the back of my heart that these precious people that I have turned out into the world could come to some harm without me watching their every more. But we learn that we have to let them go in order for them to grow.
So once again I'm learning to balance my life to be my own person again as well as a mother.
I still feel the greatest gift I ever received was that of being a mother to these incredible people. It's a gift I will always cherish.

So Busy!??!!!

I knew I had been slacking on blogging lately but I didn't realize it's been three months since I've been on here. It seems like my life just keeps getting busier and busier. I have a lot of interests that keep me occupied but I've had trouble even getting to those lately.
My daughter started her senior year. She's amazingly busy with cheer and school. I'm helping her out a lot and going to all her events where she cheers. I really enjoying this time with her. She's my last kid and I know I'm almost done now. I'm actually looking forward to football season being over so I can get my Friday nights back, plus other nights that involve cheer.
My life otherwise seems to be pretty mundane I guess. I'm not sure what I want to do to make it different. I go to work, I come home and do things. I have a social life when I can. It's really not so different from anyone else's life. I'm just not always sure what it is I'm looking for. I have enough hobbies and interests to fill three lives besides mine. Sometimes I just feel bored and restless. I attribute that to my ADHD personality. But really, what am I looking for?
Is this what they call midlife crisis? Is this how it starts? People wondering what their purpose here really is? You start thinking you should be doing so much more? If so what is it and where the hell do I find time for it?
I guess this is something I really need to think about. Maybe it's just a matter of spending more time by myself. I really value my alone time. So much so that at times I verge on the edge of becoming a hermit. I don't see that there's anything wrong with that if you like being that way. I really helps you keep perspective on your life. I rarely have much alone time these days. Maybe it's time to take a solitary trip somewhere. Now that would be interesting.
Well this all will require some thought. Which requires some time........ha ha.
We shall see where this takes us.

Do I Really See......

Do I really see
the whole forest or do I
merely see the trees

Safe and Sound

She gathers rocks and
puts them carefully around
her heart. Safe and sound.

It's True....You Can Never Go Home Again

Yesterday out of sheer boredom at work I downloaded Google Earth and started looking up my childhood homes. I started with my very first home in Stockton, California. I grew up on a shady lane across the street from a beautiful park that had an amazing playground with a gigantic sandbox, swings, slides, monkey bars and all the trees you could ever want to climb. My backyard was full of scented roses, lemon and orange trees, camellia bushes by the bathroom window and all the wonderful flowers my grandmother could plant. I spent hours in that yard playing dolls and swimming in my pool. It was heaven.
As I typed in the address yesterday I realized it's been near 30 years since I've seen this house. What would the yard look like? What would the neighborhood look like? The park is still there although there is some strange un-named municipal building tucked over in one corner now. It seems so much smaller than when I was a child. Apparently my old neighborhood isn't so great any longer. It's a low rent district with a shady batch of residents judging from the news paper articles that I looked up (yes I was really bored yesterday).
The worst part was when I zoomed in on my old house I could see nothing in my old back yard except a patch of yellowed grass and cemented over flower beds. I realize that California has drought issues but come on!!!! Even the landscaping along the driveway is gone.
I kind of wish I wouldn't of looked now. I like keeping the thought in my mind that the house is exactly the same way I left it. The garden is over grown with gigantic lush tree like bushes and the park is full of laughing children.
I need to find some work fast and get off this internet thing is what I need to do.
:)

Thoughts of Love

My husband and I are coming up on our fifth wedding anniversary this year. Although we've actually been together almost 13 years now. Our relationship started out like most do. Boy meets girl, they fall madly for each other. Move in together, realize that things aren't perfect, squabble like sparrows at a bird feeder, break up, get back together, break up, get married. Through all that we raised three kids, finished school, paid bills, took trips and fell more in love as time passed.
No relationship is ever going to be easy. You are two different people from the start and you will always be exactly who you are. You can change but that is rare. I did change over the years. I became exactly who I should be. I still have changes to go through but that is just the normal growth that comes with getting older. My husband has always been a big part of bringing about and supporting the things I do in my life.
He brings out the best in me. I try to do the same for him. I hope I'm successful. He's a lot different than I am. We are two opposites attracted. He's very stable, he likes life simple. He's the kind of guy that could eat the same thing for lunch for the next ten years. I have to eat something different every day. I want to try every new thing out there. He grounds me. I grab him and drag him into something new, often against his will.
Our love has gone from wild passionate fights and making up, to warm fuzzy cuddly adoration. At one point in my life I doubted I would ever be in a relationship long enough to reach that point. It feels amazing to be there.
Our relationship isn't perfect. But sometimes I think it is close. We still go at it from time to time. Usually over something stupid. But he's my best friend, and I am his. I feel so lucky to have that with the one I love.
I hope we grow very old together and sit and watch many sunsets, drinking beer and watching the world go by.
I can think of nothing more perfect.

Mesmerized

I'm not sure what it is with me lately. I think maybe I'm just hormonal but I'm feeling so many things all at once. I feel like a teenage girl at times. The other day I was walking around in my yard admiring the landscape and I came upon my poppies. They are incredible this year. The centers were inky black with darker gray seed pods. The petals looked exactly like crepe paper in bright beautiful colors. I kept running my hands over the amazing textures. I reveled in their amazing gorgeousness. Just the fact that something so absolutely fabulous exists in nature was astounding to me. It actually brought a tear to my eye.
I spend a lot of time even staring out my office window lately. I look at the clouds and the trees. I watch the world go buzzing by. Everything is interesting.
Maybe I'm just finding time to slow down and see things I normally don't. I've been spending more time lately on my sketch book and art journals. I like how that opens your eye to a different perspective on the world.
Whatever it is, I'll take it.

The Trouble With Food!!!!

For several years now I've had issues with my stomach. It's a universal issue in my family. My grandmother, my mother, all of my children. We all have issues. Mine are the most severe followed closely by my oldest daughter. I've been diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (I always picture a little bowel with an angry face). The usual relief that doctors prescribe is muscle relaxants (but since I have to work for a living rather than sleep all day, I declined). I decided I have to take matters into my own hands.
Over a year ago I decided to cut gluten and all grains from my diet in a last ditch attempt to find some relief. Immediately I felt better. Gone was the grinding pain of cramps, bloating and swelling. I also noticed my skin cleared up and my energy improved. Of course being the silly person that I am, after a year of being gluten and grain free I began to cheat a little. A beer here, a cookie there. Before you know it I was right back to my old self.
Waking up in the morning to a swollen blotchy face, stomach cramps just to name a few, you would think I would get the hint. But no!!!! You see I'm stubborn (and kind of dumb sometimes).
I noticed when I began to run and work out with a trainer, instead of amazing energy and endorphins, I was feeling exhausted, weak and fuzzy headed. So I went back on my gluten and grain free diet. I began to feel worse. I got a cold (I almost never get sick). I got weaker and weaker. Hmmmmmm time to go see a doctor????
Since I haven't had much success with a usual doctor of medicine I decided to see a naturopathic one. Immediately she informed me that what I was experiencing was yeast die off from going off the bad diet. My body was fighting this battle that was kept getting lost by feeding the yeast delicious wine and cookies (gluten free cookies ok).
So began the diet of very little. I immediately had to go off sugar, alcohol, dairy, all gluten and wheat and grain FOREVER!!!!!!! I gave gallons of blood for testing.
At first I thought I would die without dairy but after a couple of days I really stopped missing it. Sugar was a little harder. My body craved madly (those yeast bugs are sneaky and try to trick you into feeding them). I've been eating lots of apples.
Amazingly within a few days my head cleared and I suddenly felt the energy that I had been missing for so long. In another week I'm supposed to be able to add alcohol and sugar back in to my diet (very small amounts) and dairy. But to be honest with you I may just save these foods for special occasions. I'm finding that I like my limited diet. Number one reason, I feel amazing. Number two reason, I don't really have to think about what I want to eat so much anymore. It's funny when you don't have a lot of options how simple eating becomes and how I've stopped obsessing about what I eat. I'm eating healthier right now than I ever have in my life. I eat when I'm hungry. I don't snack endlessly throughout the day.
So we shall see how this all unfolds over the next few months. I'm anxious to get my test results back. But for now, I'm feeling good for the first time in ages. To me it's worth it.

Spring Anyone????!!??

Goodness gracious!!! What sort of spring is this? The other morning my husband came in and told me it was snowing and I laughed at him like "oh ha ha you are one funny guy". Then he opened the bedroom curtains and I beheld a winter wonderland in my spring garden. The last couple of nights have also been a mix of snow and sleet.
I don't know about you but I'm really wishing for a little warm sunshine and a nice breezy day of say around 60 degrees. Not too much to ask for this time of year.
Yesterday I was meeting a friend for a run after work when to my horror I realized I had forgot my knit cap to keep my big ears warm. Of course I had to run out and get one. But seriously. I'm ready for shorts and a tank top kind of run. Come on!!!!
Ha ha of course in a few months when it's 80 degrees and I'm sweating like a piglet I'll be wishing it were cold again. There's just no pleasing you.
Easter Sunday is coming up. I'm having this kids and various family over for the traditional ham dinner. Sometimes I crack myself up at how conventional I have become since the days of my rebellious youth. I'm making Easter baskets and planning an egg hunt for kids who are in their late teens and twenties who will be very disappointed if I didn't do that. I remember one year I had the audacity to suggest that they were getting too old for egg hunts and they turned on me like I was trying to take their cell phones and flush them down the loo. I wonder if I'll still be doing this when they're in their 60's (ha that would be funny).
That's the nice thing about holidays and tradition. You can always count on them to provide fond memories that will last a life time.
I better go Google some recipes so this weekends memories don't come up short.
Ta-ta.
:)

I can say anything I want bwaaa haaa haaaa haaa

I actually don't really think anyone is out there reading my posts except me. Even my mom isn't snoopy enough to read my blog ha ha.
But that's ok. I like to write and make silly each week. Sometimes it's serious, other times it's not. It's sort of like a small snippet of my tiny brain in print.
It's been a funny week. I started out cranky but actually through the power of positive and silly thinking ended up happy and giggling by Friday. It's funny how your mood affects people around you. Other people at work that were glum or grouchy ended up very happy and silly today. I have the power to rule the world bwaaaaaa hhhhhaaaaaa haaaaaaa HAAAAAAA!!!!!! Ok maybe not.
So with that thought I'm off to get my taxes done. We will see how far the positive power of thinking stretches after this.
Bye
:)

Unbreakable

I hate those days where you just cannot find anything good to say about anything including yourself. For the most part I try to be an upbeat person. I suppose it must be hormones that make me feel bad about myself. A lot of it is probably feelings from my past leaking over the huge dam I built around them. Hard to say.
I spent the morning making experimental items on my sewing machine. Of course scarce a single thing turned out well. Most of it ended up in my scrap basket. Normally I would look on this as a learning experience. Of course, not today. Today I am a dismal failure destined to lead this mediocre life surrounded by my wretched creations. Sheesh if you put it that way I may as well end it all now. Of course I know I will totally be over all this tomorrow.
I'm also having one of those days where the mirror is my worst enemy. I find fault in the things that I often find charming about myself. The small chip in my front tooth from snow boarding. The little tweak my nose takes to the left. My 6'1" stature from my ridiculously long legs suddenly is akin to the makings of a freak show.
Good lord I could not imagine feeling like this all the time.
I remind myself we all have these kinds of days. I'm strong and intelligent enough to know my life is wonderful and my looks are charmingly original.
I often remind myself of my mantra. I call it "unbreakable". I'm not sure I remember where I got it from but it plays constantly in the back of my mind. When I am challenged, when I feel bad, when I am sad or beaten down by people or life I remind myself that I am truly unbreakable. I don't say this lightly either. Most people don't know me well enough to know what I have been through in my life. Let's just say the first many decades were a challenge to make it through. I've had many hardships and my life was close more times than I care to think about to ending.
But through the grace of God and wonderful people in my life I turned it all around and became the person that I am today. I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be.
Therefor I say "unbreakable".
I thought about having it tattooed somewhere on my body so I could see it in times of need but I'm not really one for that sort of thing. It's something that I find when I need it. I don't need to be reminded.
So today even though this is a small road block I can remind myself that I am unbreakable and I move on through this. This is very small compared to all I have seen and will see in this amazing story that I call my life.

The Blind Date

Last night as I was eating dinner at my favorite Thai restaurant I witnessed a middle aged woman teetering into the bar on super high stiletto heels. She had a on very short skin tight purple dress that she was obviously very uncomfortable in. She kept yanking down the hem as she tried to casually saunter into her bar stool. She looked around nervously and fidgeted with her hair. Moments later a middle aged man in a suit and tie patting at his thinning hair walked in an looked around. Their eyes met. "Are you"....he asked, "you must be"......she said. They both looked pleased and relieved at the same time. Witness, "The Blind Date"....(cue horror movie soundtrack). Although I am happy to report that this one seemed to turn out much better than many I have witnessed or even experienced.
Blind dates are often humiliating. I've only ever been on two and I'm sure both parties were scarred beyond belief (it always seems to slip the mediating parties mind to mention that I'm over six feet tall). The look of terror in a mans eyes as he's looking up at me is more than I can bear. I actually ended a date by going to the bathroom and escaping out the back door (yes, shameful but he wouldn't stop commenting on how big I was.BIG????? Really now).
I guess I just don't get the point. I know you matchmakers out there think you're doing friends a favor setting them up. And yes I do have married friends who actually met on blind dates (gorgeous people I might add). But seriously most of us are attracted to the whole package. We like people that we get to know over time. We appreciate their intelligence and humor.
Blind dates are something I liken to a Hollywood casting call. It's all about the looks. That first impression. Anything off is a deal breaker. Don't tell me otherwise.
All and all I like meeting people at random. A smile at the grocery store. A new friend you meet at a party. A person running in the park. But that's just me. I don't like forced. I like to be found when no one is looking.
But enough said. I'm so glad I'm happily hitched an no longer not looking. But for those of you out there (not looking), just beware of the blind date. You never know what terror is in store. And always plot your escape routes accordingly.
:)

Sleep.....Please Take Me Away!!!!

So the cold has won. I'm officially sick. I shouldn't complain. It's been at least three years since I've been ill. I just want to sleep because I don't have the energy to do anything else. But I just lay here staring out the window at the weak morning sun. At least my sinuses are clear and I can breathe thanks to the aid of cold medication.
Ah enough whining already.
I think I'll get up in a bit and grab my embroidery. I can do that between naps and read some books. I should be glad for this excuse to be exquisitely lazy for a change.
I'm sure by next weekend I'll be running here and there with my usual busy bee routine. Now for a nap with the dogs. Life can be good even in the unexpected.

Random blah blah blah........

It's been an interesting welcome into the month of March. Icy cold winds, sleet, snow. Yesterday it warmed up so much it felt like spring and the wind gusted so hard that it sounded like the sheet metal was being ripped off the building at work. I love the extremes of weather we get here in the northwest. One day it's snowing. The next day you're mowing the lawn.
I'm fighting off a cold right now. I keep saying this even though my throat is sore and my chest tickles. But I'm not officially sick.....yet. I think if I refuse to acknowledge it, the cold will go away. Yes, I know it's silly but just humor me.
I've been running quite a bit lately. I'm still slow as hell but I feel stronger and I can run a little faster for longer periods of time. It helps that I have plenty of friends who are willing to run slow with me. I'm looking forward to this spring when Mark will meet me after work to go around Lake Padden on his bike while I run.
I've taken up yet another hobby. I accidentally got into embroidery after a friend asked me to embroider his girlfriends name on something he bought her. I have some books that show basic stitches but I hadn't really done much with it before. I looked up some videos online and found the coolest online shop for patterns. It's called Sublime Stitching (great name). The have the coolest patterns. I ordered Chihuahua's (of course), pin up babes and Day of the Dead. I went to my local quilt shop and invested in floss, hoops and needles. The fun thing about this is I can take it anywhere. I can sit in the local coffee shop or go camping with my little basket. I've taken my sewing projects camping but let me tell you that's a huge production with all the crap I have to pack. I'm so excited to start adding this to my repertoire of items on Etsy. Which I really need to get on because I'm way behind, but I need a new camera because the nice one I had broke finally from being dropped too many times (curses)!!!!! Ah the life of me.
Well gotta get ready for work. So off with you. Happy day.
xo

Who Am I? What Am I?

My life recently has become all about counting calories and miles run. It feels good to get in touch with that side of myself again. It oddly comes easy to me. I used to like running because it was a solitary pursuit. Strangely my training and running as of late has been with other people. There never seems to be a lack of people who want to go with me.
Dare I say it? I'm becoming social?? I've actually always have liked people don't get me wrong. I'm not a troll under the bridge by any means. I'm outgoing and friendly even to strangers. But my personal life is kept under lock and key so I don't really put myself out there. I'm happiest when I'm alone. It seems a very odd pairing doesn't it. The girl who is a social butterfly, yet only wants to be alone.
I've often questioned this peculiar conundrum.A lot of it stems back to the way I was raised. My family wasn't very loving or supportive. Physical displays of affection were rare. Emotional ones even rarer. I grew up quiet and secretive. Never making close emotional bonds with anyone.
Fast forward a few decades and I've grown so much in different ways and become the person I should of been all along. Yet emotionally deep down inside I am still the same. I have a hard time getting close to people. I draw them in only to push them back to arms length. Often times I lose my temper and further alienate people I care about. Yes I know, perhaps therapy could help. Been there done that. There has to be another way.
Recently I made a promise to myself and a friend to be a better friend. I failed miserably when I lost my temper weeks later and treated them with such disdain that our friendship has since faltered.
So I run. I sweat and I think to myself. Being alone gives you much time for thinking.
Who am I really and why does the past I try so hard to put behind me continue to shape me. How can I change this. Only I can find out the answers and work towards a solution.
I recently saw this quote and I don't know who to credit for it but it sums things up nicely. “Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” Easier said than done. But one can only try. Try try again.

Let the Challenge Begin

A few weeks ago I looked in the mirror and realized I was starting to look and feel middle aged. Granted, I am middle aged, but I really don't want to feel it so much as even look it. I decided to take stock in what needed to change. I have always been active. I've belonged to a gym for years, took up running several years ago, participate in winter sports. But for the most part everything has been hit and miss for the last three years. It's like a took a fitness vacation. I've also noticed lately I've been very lax with my usually strict diet. Lots of sugar and alcohol on the menu. With a history of diabetes in the family that's not a good road to go down.
So I joined a fitness group with the intention of getting back into shape so I can start running again. Let me tell you, I didn't realize what lousy shape I let myself get into till a couple of days after my first class and every single muscle in my body was shrieking at me.
The hard part is today. I'm starting to wean off the sugar and the booze. Sugar not so hard. But alcohol.......well lets just say I have a great appreciation for all things micro brewed and distilled. This is going to be a little tougher. But I have faith that I can persevere.
This weekend I'm supposed to exercise on my own. I can't believe what a huge challenge that has become for the woman who used to get up at 5am to go for a run. Gaaaaah is all I can say to that.
But we all have to start somewhere. So off I go. Wish me luck.

Things To Be Thankful For

Things to be thankful for are so many that I like to list and summarize simply to keep these thoughts in my head at all times. Sort of a mental antidepressant. A happy reminder of the good things in my life.
I'm most thankful for my wonderful and funny parents. I, like so many ungrateful offspring, don't always appreciate their caring and concern. I forget to call for weeks at a time and roll my eyes at unsolicited advice. But what would my life be without them there. Parents won't always be around and I need to remember that. They recently learned how to text so everyday I get funny blurbs from them. Its a nice way to stay in touch between phone calls. It's nice to know they are right there at all times.
I'm thankful for the gift of having children. They can be royal pains in my behind sometimes but I never am sorry I had them. Being a mother gave me a whole new perspective on life. I love to see them all together, laughing and sharing stories about when they were small. I even enjoy seeing them squabble after a few hours of being together.
I'm also thankful for the small things. My new french press that makes the most amazing coffee in the world. My puppies cuddled on my lap at night while I read.
There is so much to be happy about. But this is what is foremost on my mind this week.

Off Season

For New Years Eve this year we decided to go camping. We have a 32' trailer that we usually take out all summer. We go to the lake, switch on the a/c and enjoy the hot eastern Washington and Oregon heat (intermittently of course, that's what the a/c is for).Winter camping isn't something we've ever done before.
It's been a bit of an experience. First off, thank heaven for space heaters. For one, they keep a constant source of heat that doesn't over power like the furnace. They also keep the pipes from freezing.......too much. Mark has pretty much worn out my blow dryer the last couple of mornings trying to unfreeze our pipes. We actually forgot our water hose, it was frozen to the ground at home anyway, so the trailer resort host loaned us his. Mark made a comment that it looked like the guy had dragged it out of the dump. He wasn't exaggerating. It's greasy, green and frayed. But it works. Of course yesterday morning it was frozen.
Somehow it really doesn't matter though when you look out in the morning and the trees are frosty and white. There is hardly anyone here in the 800 hookup resort. There is a trail down to the river that you can walk completely alone. Mark is spending the daylight hours up on the hill hunting elk. So I have plenty of time to sew, cut out patterns, draw in my sketch book, take the dogs for endless walks.
I think this has been an amazing start to the new year. Tomorrow we will thaw, pack, hook up and head home to another work week. I'm thinking I really like winter camping a lot. May have to get a few more trips in before the seasons start to change and everyone else shows up looking for a place to park.