Always A Mother

A few years ago I had empty nest syndrome. My teenager had deemed me and idiot and moved in with her father. My two oldest were in California going to college. It was just me, Mark and the dogs. Sounds like heaven doesn't it. You would think so. But I mourned the loss of someone to take care of. I missed holding those little hands. Toy departments and back to school sales were enough to send me into a torrent of tears. Then suddenly I began to focus on myself. To buy things, for myself. To take classes, to travel. I moved on. At last I was done.
Then one day, the teen queen decided I wasn't such a moron. Suddenly she needed a mother again to lean on emotionally and physically. The older kids moved back from CA in unison. All of a sudden my quiet house was filled once again with the voices and bodies of children. I began to worry more about what they were doing. I spent more time with their activities and problems. My work studio began to pile up with kids laundry rather than projects.
I realized at that point, you never stop being a mother. It seems funny but my own mother recently told me that she worries about me. I was actually surprised. Really?
Why? I'm an adult. But for some reason until that moment I didn't seem to realize that I was always going to be her child, small and vulnerable, no matter how old I got. The same with my children.
My husband points out that sometimes I need to step back and let them figure out their own lives. The youngest is now 18. She is so emotional about everything that it's hard to not get swept up in it. My other daughter is dating a man who is so inappropriate that I can hardly stand it. But I need to stand back. I gave my opinion here and there. But it's up to her to ultimately see what others see (and she is). My son is needing to launch his own life. He has a little more trouble because he has Aspergers. He's working on it as we speak. He has appointments and interviews. I'm not hovering over his every more. I let him do this himself.
But worry I do. It will never end. Just like my mom I will always feel a tiny fear in the back of my heart that these precious people that I have turned out into the world could come to some harm without me watching their every more. But we learn that we have to let them go in order for them to grow.
So once again I'm learning to balance my life to be my own person again as well as a mother.
I still feel the greatest gift I ever received was that of being a mother to these incredible people. It's a gift I will always cherish.

So Busy!??!!!

I knew I had been slacking on blogging lately but I didn't realize it's been three months since I've been on here. It seems like my life just keeps getting busier and busier. I have a lot of interests that keep me occupied but I've had trouble even getting to those lately.
My daughter started her senior year. She's amazingly busy with cheer and school. I'm helping her out a lot and going to all her events where she cheers. I really enjoying this time with her. She's my last kid and I know I'm almost done now. I'm actually looking forward to football season being over so I can get my Friday nights back, plus other nights that involve cheer.
My life otherwise seems to be pretty mundane I guess. I'm not sure what I want to do to make it different. I go to work, I come home and do things. I have a social life when I can. It's really not so different from anyone else's life. I'm just not always sure what it is I'm looking for. I have enough hobbies and interests to fill three lives besides mine. Sometimes I just feel bored and restless. I attribute that to my ADHD personality. But really, what am I looking for?
Is this what they call midlife crisis? Is this how it starts? People wondering what their purpose here really is? You start thinking you should be doing so much more? If so what is it and where the hell do I find time for it?
I guess this is something I really need to think about. Maybe it's just a matter of spending more time by myself. I really value my alone time. So much so that at times I verge on the edge of becoming a hermit. I don't see that there's anything wrong with that if you like being that way. I really helps you keep perspective on your life. I rarely have much alone time these days. Maybe it's time to take a solitary trip somewhere. Now that would be interesting.
Well this all will require some thought. Which requires some time........ha ha.
We shall see where this takes us.

Do I Really See......

Do I really see
the whole forest or do I
merely see the trees

Safe and Sound

She gathers rocks and
puts them carefully around
her heart. Safe and sound.

It's True....You Can Never Go Home Again

Yesterday out of sheer boredom at work I downloaded Google Earth and started looking up my childhood homes. I started with my very first home in Stockton, California. I grew up on a shady lane across the street from a beautiful park that had an amazing playground with a gigantic sandbox, swings, slides, monkey bars and all the trees you could ever want to climb. My backyard was full of scented roses, lemon and orange trees, camellia bushes by the bathroom window and all the wonderful flowers my grandmother could plant. I spent hours in that yard playing dolls and swimming in my pool. It was heaven.
As I typed in the address yesterday I realized it's been near 30 years since I've seen this house. What would the yard look like? What would the neighborhood look like? The park is still there although there is some strange un-named municipal building tucked over in one corner now. It seems so much smaller than when I was a child. Apparently my old neighborhood isn't so great any longer. It's a low rent district with a shady batch of residents judging from the news paper articles that I looked up (yes I was really bored yesterday).
The worst part was when I zoomed in on my old house I could see nothing in my old back yard except a patch of yellowed grass and cemented over flower beds. I realize that California has drought issues but come on!!!! Even the landscaping along the driveway is gone.
I kind of wish I wouldn't of looked now. I like keeping the thought in my mind that the house is exactly the same way I left it. The garden is over grown with gigantic lush tree like bushes and the park is full of laughing children.
I need to find some work fast and get off this internet thing is what I need to do.
:)

Thoughts of Love

My husband and I are coming up on our fifth wedding anniversary this year. Although we've actually been together almost 13 years now. Our relationship started out like most do. Boy meets girl, they fall madly for each other. Move in together, realize that things aren't perfect, squabble like sparrows at a bird feeder, break up, get back together, break up, get married. Through all that we raised three kids, finished school, paid bills, took trips and fell more in love as time passed.
No relationship is ever going to be easy. You are two different people from the start and you will always be exactly who you are. You can change but that is rare. I did change over the years. I became exactly who I should be. I still have changes to go through but that is just the normal growth that comes with getting older. My husband has always been a big part of bringing about and supporting the things I do in my life.
He brings out the best in me. I try to do the same for him. I hope I'm successful. He's a lot different than I am. We are two opposites attracted. He's very stable, he likes life simple. He's the kind of guy that could eat the same thing for lunch for the next ten years. I have to eat something different every day. I want to try every new thing out there. He grounds me. I grab him and drag him into something new, often against his will.
Our love has gone from wild passionate fights and making up, to warm fuzzy cuddly adoration. At one point in my life I doubted I would ever be in a relationship long enough to reach that point. It feels amazing to be there.
Our relationship isn't perfect. But sometimes I think it is close. We still go at it from time to time. Usually over something stupid. But he's my best friend, and I am his. I feel so lucky to have that with the one I love.
I hope we grow very old together and sit and watch many sunsets, drinking beer and watching the world go by.
I can think of nothing more perfect.

Mesmerized

I'm not sure what it is with me lately. I think maybe I'm just hormonal but I'm feeling so many things all at once. I feel like a teenage girl at times. The other day I was walking around in my yard admiring the landscape and I came upon my poppies. They are incredible this year. The centers were inky black with darker gray seed pods. The petals looked exactly like crepe paper in bright beautiful colors. I kept running my hands over the amazing textures. I reveled in their amazing gorgeousness. Just the fact that something so absolutely fabulous exists in nature was astounding to me. It actually brought a tear to my eye.
I spend a lot of time even staring out my office window lately. I look at the clouds and the trees. I watch the world go buzzing by. Everything is interesting.
Maybe I'm just finding time to slow down and see things I normally don't. I've been spending more time lately on my sketch book and art journals. I like how that opens your eye to a different perspective on the world.
Whatever it is, I'll take it.