So yesterday on a little shopping jaunt I stopped off at Target. When you walk in the front doors you are assaulted on one side by the lovely purses and bags of summer. On the other side (cue the theme music from Jaws) lurk the bikini racks.
Oh sure, they are so inviting with all their bright and friendly colors. Some of them have adorable and harmless little designs like hearts and peace signs. So pretty, so friendly. I finally gave in to the lure.
Take note here. I have not been to the gym in six months. I've skipped my weekly Pilate's classes for at least three months. No ones fault but mine. I accept that. My body on the other hand has decided to play games with my hormones causing me to alternately bloat and deflate several times before my period will actually commence each month. Let's just say my once slim body has now the consistency of jello and marshmallow products.
Feeling very confident I grabbed two of the only bikinis that actually looked like they would cover something. Some of the tops looked like someone my age would actually need to purchase some extra rope to attach to the bra cups and then wrap several times around my neck in order to keep my breasts up where they belonged.
I read in a magazine that bikini bottoms with ties you can adjust on the sides make your butt seem smaller so I grabbed one of those too.
The moment of truth. Tie sides don't make your bottom appear smaller, they just seem to almost disappear into it. Whoever wrote that must weigh 80lbs soaking wet and never even considered giving birth to a child. Ugh. Everything else either barely stretched over my parts or pushed skin up and over into horrifying contortions. I looked like I was wearing brightly colored sausage casings. I could stunt double for the Michelin man. Get them off me, GET THEM OFF!!!!!!!
Unless I plan to spend hours at the gym perfecting my body into bikini beauty, those days are sooooo over. Not that mind you I ever sported the perfect bikini bod. Lets be clear about that. I was mostly stick person with padded top. Being rather modest I usually only wear the silly things in my own back yard. But honestly my underwear is the same size as these things. My underwear doesn't horrify and terrify me and morph my body into the unrecognizable. I realize these things have to be fitted so they don't fall off as you cavort in the surf with your Leonardo DiCaprio look alike boyfriend but seriously most girls wearing these things would never even consider getting them wet. It might ruin their hair or makeup.
I realize now that the moment has come to admit my body is no longer going to be summer wear ready without a lot of work from me. I'm not sure how important that is in the scheme of things anymore. I can think of a million things I'd rather do than sweat at the gym. Housework even rates high on that list.
So for now, I will wear shorts and a tank top in my yard. I have a one piece mommy suit in my summer repertoire in case I need to hop in a puddle. I felt bad about myself for about 10 minutes yesterday and then moved on. I woke up early this morning to go to Pilate's but I'm writing this blog instead. So there you go.
Happy 4th everyone. Be safe and and fun.
:)
