BFF!!!!!

Once upon a time you went to the playground and shared your bucket and shovel in the sandbox with another little girl. You became best friends. You walked to school together, talked about which boys you hated the most, played Barbies. You were best friends forever. All through high school and college your friends were your life. You went everywhere together. You went out together on Friday nights, talked about the boys you loved and played dress up in your grown up clothes.
Fast forward to adulthood. Where are all the BFF's? I do still have friends from my childhood but only a couple and they live so far away we rarely see one another more than once a decade. Friends that I have now are more like acquaintances rather than the heart and soul, got your back, kind of buddy's. I find that I'm not alone in this. Talking to many women my age I've found that most people don't seem to attach themselves too closely to anyone anymore. The people in our lives are transient. Here for a little while and easily replaced down the road.
Is it a result of modern technology? I know I know, always blaming the texting and social networking evils. How much do we really need to know about anyone other than their daily status on Facebook or a quick text on their lunch break? It doesn't get anymore superficial than that.
Back when my grandmother was young, women stayed at home and raised families. They chatted around the kitchen table and over the back fence. They made strong bonds. Those bond carried on throughout their lives. Women for the most part work outside of the home now. Kids lives are more complex with after school sports and other extra curricular activities. If you're married you need to find time to be with your husband. It doesn't leave a lot of time for hanging out with your girlfriends. I know this because it's been my life for the last two decades.
I often wonder at the sort of friend I am as well. I'm very selfish with my time. I work 40 plus hours a week. I have a business I'm trying to get off the ground. I like to spend my extra time working on projects or with my husband. My children are young adults but I still make time for them. It doesn't leave a lot of spare time to go out with friends.
Over the last month I did make time on a few Friday nights to meet a friend or two after work to have a glass of wine and a chat. I worry that this is as good as it gets. Am I expecting too much? I'm not 20 anymore. I don't need to spend all my waking hours with my friends. I don't need to know every single detail of their complicated lives to like them. An occasional drink and a status update is a good friend indeed.
I can't help but pine at times for that really special friend that you could tell anything to, do special things with, go shopping and gossip. But then I remember that I married my BFF. That is surely the best BFF of all.

Can't Keep A Good Girl Down

Things are picking up again. I may go down but I always come back up kicking. I finally came up with a name for my business. Wildheart. It just came to me as I was getting ready for work. There was no deliberation, no over thinking, trying it out over and over, it just fit. It felt good.
Wildheart means to me many things. It's a reflection of how I create and view life. I may be rather tame overall but I am truly wild at heart. It's also a nod to my very colorful ancestry. My fathers side brings Spanish conquistadors and my mothers side brings Scottish feudal lords and assassins. And through all that history, here I am. With my wild heart ha ha.
I'm working on getting a website up and going. I have an Etsy store opened and a local venue that's interesting in taking my stuff. I have alot of work to do.
Life is good. Ups and downs. It's all good.

Hmmmmmm

Well today I don't really feel much better. Good thing I work or I would never get out of bed this time of year.
I have really been excited about the holidays this year. But as it gets closer I'm starting to come unraveled. Family issues and emotional issues always seem to come to a head around this time.
I always think I'm alone in this but the more people I talk to I realize I'm not so different. My only issue is becoming paralyzed by the emotions that run through me and doing nothing. It's becoming a little more apparent as we speak.
Today I did get out of bed. I wrapped all the presents and arranged them under the tree. I made biscuits and sausage gravy for breakfast, marinated pork for dinner. Did laundry and gave the dogs a bath. I also laid on the couch watching a movie, drawing in my sketchbook and drinking beer. All and all it was a good day.
I talked to my husband about these anxieties. That helps. He understands me way more than I give him credit for sometimes.
Life is good. Just need to remember that.

grumble grump grump

Had an odd and busy week. Went to work early, got home late. Suddenly it all caught up with me today. I could not get out of bed for the life of me even to eat (which is so not like me). I spent most of the day back and forth between the couch and the bed with my novel on the life of Queen Elizabeth and my stack of magazines. I did get up long enough to clean the front room and kitchen. I think I just overdid socially this week and my body said "enough"!!!!! You go nowhere this weekend. So here I sit on a Saturday night that was full of plans. Blogging, grumping and waiting for hubby to bring home take out Thai. God bless that man.
I think a bit of holiday anxiety is setting in. I've been doing so well so far this year. The gifts are all bought, the plans are all set. Some family squabbling has made a few ripples. That could be causing this bad feeling in my chest. Ah the holidays.
Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up raring to go again, like my usual self. If not. I still have this book to read and a warm bed to hang out in.

Ho ho hum dee dum dee dum

Ok so I have to brag. For the first time in a couple of years now I'm actually on top of the holidays. I have all my shopping done!!!!! Yes, yes, YEEEEESSSSS!!!!!
I did a bulk of it online but I really scored at the Pacific Arts Holiday Market going on now through December 19th at 119 W. Chestnut here in Bellingham (the old Dream On Futon building). I walked in and was amazed at all the awesome abundance of goodies for sale made by local folk. I had so much fun browsing and chatting. I even got a couple of little gifts for myself (because what's holiday shopping without gifts for oneself).

So if you would like to get finished early and get some wonderful one of a kind gifts under your tree I highly reccommend the a stop at the market.
p.s. Krafthauser, Es Em El and Red Boots are my personal favorites (has nothing to do with the fact that I know them, ha ha).
Peace out shoppers.

Life Dances On

Last Friday on a beautiful snowy evening my friend gave birth to a healthy and wonderful baby boy. As I left the hospital that night, the snow began to fall in earnest. The world was magical. It amazed me for a moment how truly gorgeous life really is. It's something that gives us meaning. It's what we live for. These magical moments.
Sometimes it's also just the little things. My life feels like I'm on one of those mouse exercise wheels my girls used to have in their rodent cages. The mice hop on and run, run, run. Not really going anywhere but just round and round in one place. Sort of like me. Up early, off to work. Work, work, work. Go to the gym (maybe), grocery shop, come home, make dinner, fall asleep. Get up do it again. Around and around on my mouse wheel. Yet often there are tiny moments in there that make it all worthwhile. Something as simple as a really good cup of coffee shared with a friend or my afternoon walk where I see something that impresses me with it's simple beauty. Even people when they make me laugh or do something unexpectedly kind. Those things make the day different from all the others and bring meaning to an otherwise average life.
At times I feel like I'm watching life from a window. I see life going on all around me. I wonder, am I doing all I can with my life? Should I be doing more? Do we all feel this way?
Life and death are always present. Each one makes you ponder on your own existance. I enjoy my simple life. Yet at times I do think about what I will leave behind when I'm gone (besides a mess of crap I've hoarded over a lifetime).
Regardless, I'm just thankful for the fact that I exist. I live, I love, I breathe. That in itself is worth something.

Happy Birthday Poot Poot

Today is the second birthday of my Chihuahua Weiner dog KoDi. He's a little seven pound bundle of joy. He was my Christmas gift two years ago. He was so tiny he fit in my husbands coat pocket. His brother Manny our then six year old Chihuahua hated him on sight and refused to acknowledge me or him for at least a month. After awhile he began to warm up to him. They are now truly brothers who cannot stand to ever be apart.
KoDi is obsessed with livestock (see above picture), birds, cats, our neighbors alpacas, our chickens, toys, snacks and any paper he can get ahold of and shred all over the house.
He may be tiny but he has the heart of a timber wolf. He thinks nothing of diving out of the truck and attacking our friends bewildered 200lb mastiff.
He's otherwise a most loyal, loving and gentle creature who spends most of his time sleeping on my lap or burrowed in a blanket very close to me. He also thinks nothing of helping himself to whatever I'm eating at the moment even going so far as to try and take it out of my mouth. Yes he's not trained at all. I'm a very bad doggie mom.
I sure do love him.
Happy birthday you little monster.
:)

Good Grief!!!

It seems like I always have a lot to say in my mind but very little time to sit and blog. So I think I should start making a date with myself on Sunday mornings to do a bit of blogging. Like anything I need to get into the habit.
I've never been good at schedules or commitments. Work seems to be the only place I'm even faintly organized and that's only because everything would go to hell if I didn't do that. My life doesn't seem to be in such peril so I live it moment to moment. Considering that I'm the hugest ADD in existence I should organize and schedule my life. But so far I haven't found the simple answer. Maybe there isn't one. Perhaps this is how I'm supposed to live my life. It works. Somewhat ha ha. I do need to keep a calendar with me at all times to remind me of where I need to be and what needs to be paid. I carry it with me everywhere. It's large enough that I can't lose it and pretty enough that I notice it. It's not only functional but fun. I like fun. Really, who doesn't. Now if only I could make exercising as much fun.
That's my latest gripe. I really really REALLY need to find something that inspires me. I'm bored with running, pilates, the gym. I have been trying to inspire myself with something. But what???? Any suggestions. I have been walking with a friend lately. Nothing like a committment to a friend to get you out the door. But seriously I need a little more. But on the brighter side, snowboarding season is coming up. That will keep me in shape. But I also need to be in shape to go snowboarding. Hmmmmmm. Maybe I should go make some biscuits and gravy and ponder this. Any suggestions?
Ah speaking of suggestions. I'm wanting to open an Etsy store but for the life of me I cannot think of a clever name. I mean really. You would think for the amount of creativity that flows non stop through my head I could come up with something. Really anything. Nope, not a thing. Everything that I do think of sounds contrived or really dumb. Help. Any and all suggestions will be pondered. Do help a damsel in distress out. Peace Out!!!!!

Fading Seasons of my Youth

The title sounds so dramatic doesn't it?? I was actually thinking today how much I really don't like this time of year. Summer is fading (like my youth ha ha). Fall is hinting in the air but just isn't quite ready to arrive. We are sort of stuck in between. Waiting.......like an abandoned prom date in a shiny new dress. I've been in such a funk lately. And I'm not the only one. Posts on Facebook and conversations with friends attest to the general overall glumness of this time of year.
The set of the sun in the sky and the smell of the air always.....always take me back to the late summer of 1986. Why that year and no other I'm not really sure except that it was when I found out I was pregnant with my son. Being young, single and planning college in the fall I certainly wasn't even remotely considering such a condition.
Funny how life often lobs us curve balls when we least expect it. It was a very emotional and dramatic time in my young life. Needless to say it all turned out well in the end but to this day those same feelings get stirred up simply by the turn of a season. An amazing thing the human brain.
But now I'm starting to snap out of it. I just bought the new In Style magazine with its slick pages and pages of fall clothing coming out (yes I'm very shallow and easily amused ha ha). I'm looking forward to a long overdue vacation coming up. Like all things, memories and feelings fade into the mist and we move forward with the act of living. To feel emotion is to be alive. With the good comes the bad. I welcome and enjoy every part of this amazing life.
I hope you do too.

Things To Rejoice In This Week!!!!!

I made it to 44!!!!
Took our first camping trip in the trailer!
Started working out again!!
An amazing husband!!!!!!!!
Great friends new and old!!!
Cool lake water on my hot feet!!
Sunshine on my face!!
Summer veggies in my garden!!!
Farmers Market!!
Stolen moments from work going to the farmers market or Boulevard Park!!!
Life it GOOD!!!!!!

Bikini's And the Middle Age Body

So yesterday on a little shopping jaunt I stopped off at Target. When you walk in the front doors you are assaulted on one side by the lovely purses and bags of summer. On the other side (cue the theme music from Jaws) lurk the bikini racks.
Oh sure, they are so inviting with all their bright and friendly colors. Some of them have adorable and harmless little designs like hearts and peace signs. So pretty, so friendly. I finally gave in to the lure.
Take note here. I have not been to the gym in six months. I've skipped my weekly Pilate's classes for at least three months. No ones fault but mine. I accept that. My body on the other hand has decided to play games with my hormones causing me to alternately bloat and deflate several times before my period will actually commence each month. Let's just say my once slim body has now the consistency of jello and marshmallow products.
Feeling very confident I grabbed two of the only bikinis that actually looked like they would cover something. Some of the tops looked like someone my age would actually need to purchase some extra rope to attach to the bra cups and then wrap several times around my neck in order to keep my breasts up where they belonged.
I read in a magazine that bikini bottoms with ties you can adjust on the sides make your butt seem smaller so I grabbed one of those too.
The moment of truth. Tie sides don't make your bottom appear smaller, they just seem to almost disappear into it. Whoever wrote that must weigh 80lbs soaking wet and never even considered giving birth to a child. Ugh. Everything else either barely stretched over my parts or pushed skin up and over into horrifying contortions. I looked like I was wearing brightly colored sausage casings. I could stunt double for the Michelin man. Get them off me, GET THEM OFF!!!!!!!
Unless I plan to spend hours at the gym perfecting my body into bikini beauty, those days are sooooo over. Not that mind you I ever sported the perfect bikini bod. Lets be clear about that. I was mostly stick person with padded top. Being rather modest I usually only wear the silly things in my own back yard. But honestly my underwear is the same size as these things. My underwear doesn't horrify and terrify me and morph my body into the unrecognizable. I realize these things have to be fitted so they don't fall off as you cavort in the surf with your Leonardo DiCaprio look alike boyfriend but seriously most girls wearing these things would never even consider getting them wet. It might ruin their hair or makeup.
I realize now that the moment has come to admit my body is no longer going to be summer wear ready without a lot of work from me. I'm not sure how important that is in the scheme of things anymore. I can think of a million things I'd rather do than sweat at the gym. Housework even rates high on that list.
So for now, I will wear shorts and a tank top in my yard. I have a one piece mommy suit in my summer repertoire in case I need to hop in a puddle. I felt bad about myself for about 10 minutes yesterday and then moved on. I woke up early this morning to go to Pilate's but I'm writing this blog instead. So there you go.
Happy 4th everyone. Be safe and and fun.
:)

Things To Be Thankful For This Week

Good friends who make you laugh.
Cream and butter in food.
That first morning cup of steaming coffee with creamer.
Warm chihuahua's cuddled up to your belly as you sleep.
The first peonies of spring.
Warm sunshine on your head as you walk downtown.
Husband who cleans up the kitchen while you're at work.

Running Down A Dream

Last weekend I had the chance to go see an old friend. Of course we don't know each other personally but we have spent alot of time together over the years. Since middle school Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers have provided the basic theme music of my entire life. He's been there when my heart was broken by that cute boy, when I first got to drive the family car all by myself, through marriage, divorce, good times, bad times. He's seen it all with me.

So when the chance came up to see him live at The Gorge in Eastern WA I went for it. I'm not a big concert goer. Large crowds tend to make me twitchy. I like shows that can fit in a local bar or park. It's been well over a decade since I took in a "big" show. But I've never seen Tom and the guys live so I figured it's now or never.
The morning of the big day my girlfriend showed up with the car loaded with everything we would need for the weekend. Booze, sleeping bags and sunscreen. I felt twenty again. Picking up a couple of other gals we hit the road. Can anyone say "road trip"? It's funny how as you get older you fall into these routines in your life that make you forget the spontenaity of youth. It felt good to just let go and see what happens. Granted you won't often hear me say that. I'm all about schedules and planning. It's what I do for a living and how I live my life. Just "going with it" is really not in my vocabulary. When did I get so rigid? So old?
Probably about the time I turned my back on Tom and the guys and got serious about life. For years I was busy raising a family, going to school, working. Sometimes along the way you forget about what's important to yourself. You lose that sense of going with the flow. I went for years without buying a single cd, making art or just doing something for myself. Tom and his bandmates gathered dust in a cardboard box that held all the vestiges of my youth.
Around the time I approached 40 I began to realize that I had spent the last two decades taking care of everyone except myself. I didn't know who I was anymore. I couldn't even begin to tell you what I liked or what I wanted to do with my life.
How did that happen? When did that happen?
Where was the music and the poetry of life, the beauty that I so loved?
I think we all get there at some time in our life. Women especially because we are so hardwired to put others before us and give all we have to them. We nurture everyone except ourselves.
So slowly I began to do things that I had always thought about doing. I started by turning the radio back on. A Tom Petty cd was purchased. His greatest hits. The theme music was back in my life. The song of my life began to rewrite itself.
Sure I'd love to give him the entire credit for turning my life around ( A Lifetime movie is in the works) but it was a group effort.
He just played a part.
As I sat in the crowd of 25,000 plus last Saturday night watching the stars, grooving to the musics and getting stoned off second hand pot smoke I thought, this is what it's all about. Just doing and being. Living your life. One day I will be gone. The music will live on and echo for all eternity. But my life is here and now. Live it. My old friend has often reminded me of that very thought. I feel like a paid tribute that night to our friendship of these many years. I came away with a $40 t-shirt and memories to last a life time.
Everything is about following a dream. No matter how large or small. Thanks Tom and Heartbreakers for reminding me. We've grown older together. Been through a lot of changes. I raise my glass (joint) to many more.
Thanks guys.

Weekly Dose of Cuteness

Anyone that's even slightly associated with me knows of my affinity for Chihuahua's and just general overall cuteness. I received this photo from someone this week. I squealed with delight and promptly made it my screen saver.
The image is from HopeImages on Etsy.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/45804592/bambi
Just had to share it with you.
Enjoy

A Mother's Guilt. It's Not Just Jewish Anymore

As we begin the countdown to mothers day I’ve been thinking a lot about what it really means to be a mom. I don’t just mean someone who gives birth because obviously any female that’s equipped properly can do that. But I’ve been thinking about all the things that do go into being a mother.
You don’t have to give birth to be a real mother. I was adopted by my grandparents when I was six. For the next several years till I left home at 17 they nurtured me, fed me, taught me right from wrong and gave me the values that made me the person I am today. My real mother, although she didn’t raise me, is still a mom because she was always part of my life. She adopted me back several years ago. She became my mom again and my step father became my father. She and my grandmother taught me a lot about selfless giving and how people often hide pain to make others happy. But somehow I did grow up and I found my way in life. I became a happy and content person. I think that makes them both very successful as mothers.
I often question myself as a parent. I’m sure any mom does. I worry because my 16 year old hates me (I have no idea why) and won’t speak to me right now. I worry because my son at 23 still has not figured out what he’s doing with his life. I worry because my 21 year old struggles to keep her head above water in this crazy world. But then I remember what I was like at those ages. I wasn't so different.
My children were raised first and formost with love. I tried to teach them the same morals and values I learned as a child. I comforted them through heartbreaks and illness. I went to countless school plays, band concerts, sports events, and fieldtrips. I protected them ferociously when I felt they were threatened. I learned that sometimes you have to let go so they can grow into who they are. I learned there is really such a thing as the empty nest syndrome. I also learned to not think about so damn much what I did wrong or what I should have done differently.
They are who they are. I am who I am. Through all of it was always one constant.......a mothers love.
My only hope is that they find out the secret to happiness lies within themselves. It’s not within other people, our jobs or our possessions. It's not in seeming perfect to everyone else. It's certainly not in how much money we have.
It’s in the way we think and view the world. If I can teach them that, then I consider myself a successful mom.

Making smiles out of lemons

Sometimes the weather in Washington state can be a little hard to handle. Days apon days of rain can get even the most cheerful disposition down. Lately I've been sewing more and more. Somehow each project just takes me out of the here and now and transports me to another place. Before I even know it the hours have passed and when I'm done I have something lovely to give or use.
My husband bought me my sewing machine for mothers day last year. I took a couple of classes and put it away for awhile. I have the attention span to rival a two year old. I spent several months on various artistic pursuits only to pull out the machine again a few weeks later.
I think if people don't have creative outlets they probably get too involved in the small sweaty details of life and begin to lose the big picture. I think creativity is the human response to stress and gives us a chance to mellow a little instead of going on a rampage.
All I know is it works. That's why I smile.......a lot.
:)