My life recently has become all about counting calories and miles run. It feels good to get in touch with that side of myself again. It oddly comes easy to me. I used to like running because it was a solitary pursuit. Strangely my training and running as of late has been with other people. There never seems to be a lack of people who want to go with me.
Dare I say it? I'm becoming social?? I've actually always have liked people don't get me wrong. I'm not a troll under the bridge by any means. I'm outgoing and friendly even to strangers. But my personal life is kept under lock and key so I don't really put myself out there. I'm happiest when I'm alone. It seems a very odd pairing doesn't it. The girl who is a social butterfly, yet only wants to be alone.
I've often questioned this peculiar conundrum.A lot of it stems back to the way I was raised. My family wasn't very loving or supportive. Physical displays of affection were rare. Emotional ones even rarer. I grew up quiet and secretive. Never making close emotional bonds with anyone.
Fast forward a few decades and I've grown so much in different ways and become the person I should of been all along. Yet emotionally deep down inside I am still the same. I have a hard time getting close to people. I draw them in only to push them back to arms length. Often times I lose my temper and further alienate people I care about. Yes I know, perhaps therapy could help. Been there done that. There has to be another way.
Recently I made a promise to myself and a friend to be a better friend. I failed miserably when I lost my temper weeks later and treated them with such disdain that our friendship has since faltered.
So I run. I sweat and I think to myself. Being alone gives you much time for thinking.
Who am I really and why does the past I try so hard to put behind me continue to shape me. How can I change this. Only I can find out the answers and work towards a solution.
I recently saw this quote and I don't know who to credit for it but it sums things up nicely. “Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” Easier said than done. But one can only try. Try try again.
